R2 DeVi2

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Star Wars meets Bender. Essay. 500 words, 3-minute read.

Images: IMDB.com

R2 DeVi2

By Ray Tabler

At a recent science fiction convention, I learned that in the original Star Wars script R2 D2 had lines in English. George Lucas chose to render the lovable, little droid’s dialog as electronic beeps, squeals, and whistles instead. Perhaps because those original lines were mainly roasting C3 PO (the other prominent character droid) with snarky remarks. R2 supposedly calls C3 PO a “dimwitted, emotion-brained intellectual” among other disses. The original script can be found online.

Now, this is interesting enough. But, a snarky, wisecracky robot needs an appropriate voice. And snark approaches perfection closer with Danny Devito than any other living actor, IMHO. The mental image of RD D2 speaking with Danny DeVito’s unmistakable voice lodged itself in my brain, and will not leave.

For those poor, unfortunate souls who are ignorant of just how well DeVito plays the role of the irreverent, ethically-challenged side character, I would direct them to the TV shows Taxi and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and the movies (Disney) Hercules, Twins, Romancing the Stone, and Jewel of the Nile.

R2 D2 is the ideal vehicle for Mr. DeVito. Short, pugnacious, and omnipresent, R2 occupies the optimum strategic position to observe and comment upon every aspect of the Star Wars saga. Paired with the pompous, easily-mocked C3 PO, the tales are a target rich environment for R2 DeVi2 snark. All that is required is a fitting translation from droid language to DeVito-speak.

Here are some suggestions. Imagine Danny’s voice delivering these lines in the movies:

To Leia, when she’s recording a message into RDD2, “You can punch my buttons all you like, Cinnabon hair!”

To C3 PO in the desert, “Keep complaining tall, dumb and shiny. I’ll dig a deep hole in the sand and cover you over.”

To Luke’s Uncle. “I double as a slot machine.”

When R2 is blown across a Death Star corridor after mistaking a power outlet for a data port, “Woah! Was it good for you too, baby?”

As Luke “lands” on Yoda’s swamp planet, “This place reminds me of Philadelphia.”

On the flight down the slot to blow up the Death Star, “🎶1 2 3, what are we fightin’ for? Don’t know, and I don’t give a snort. We’re goin’ to the exhaust port. Whoopee! We’re gonna die!🎶” (apologies to Country Joe & the Fish)

Luke is lost in the snow on Hoth, “Eh, he’s probably a Luke-sickle by now.”

When enslaved as a cocktail waitress on Jabba’s party barge, “I swear if somebody pinches my a#% one more time…I’m just not that kind of droid.”

I just don’t know the movies well enough to do this justice. But, maybe you do. Feel free to fan fic the heck out of this concept. Think of it as crowd sourcing an Ur-Bender.

END.

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