Audible Adventures - Ray Tabler

Great Horny toads! Essay. 700 words, 4-minute read.

Audible Adventures

By Ray Tabler

Recently, inspiration of questionable quality struck, and I promptly posted a question on a FaceBook group (The Writer Dojo). I asked group members (many of whom are reported to be writers) to suggest what fictional character(s) they’d like reading the audiobook version of their works. Then, I straightaway corrupted the question by not specifically using one of my works. Instead, I posited Ruby Rhod (the flamboyant, futuristic media influencer from The 5^th Element) reading romantasy. This seemed like a hilarious combination to me. At least one other commenter utilized Ruby, narrating Warhammer 40K tales as if he was in the midst of battle. Anyone who has watched The 5^th Element can imagine how that would sound. I’ll put a way to the thread in the comments. This was one of the most successful recipes for online stone soup I’ve ever attempted. 😊

The way my brain works many other fictional narrators popped into my head, and I’ve listed them below. I hope you enjoy them, and please suggest your own.

Yosemite Sam reads epic fantasy. The cartoon buckaroo, Yosemite Sam, has actually played a number of different characters over the years. He’s always the same, old crusty scoundrel, whether a spaceman, an Arab sheik, a Hessian soldier, or a medieval knight. No matter what he’s riding (elephant, dragon, or spaceship), he’s always shouting “Hyah mule!” I imagine Sam pausing in the middle of the narration to say, “Cave troll? What in tarnation kinda critter is that?”

Worf reads Conan tales. The Klingon Federation officer from Star Trek TNG (and DS-9) was always a fish out of water, rolling his eyes at foolish human frivolity. But, Robert E. Howard’s dour Cimmerian would no doubt meet with Worf’s approval. “Are you sure this character is not Klingon?”

Smeagol/Gollum reads Winnie the Pooh. It must get crowded inside Smeagol’s head, having to sublet to Gollum. Especially since Gollum insists on continuously backseat driving, when he’s not seizing the wheel at critical moments. Winnie the Pooh is just the type of story the somewhat child-like Smeagol would enjoy. “Oh yes, precious. Pooh ate too much honey, and is stuck in the door to his house.”…”We hates him! We hates him! Pick up a rock and smash Pooh in the head!”

Lieutenant Frank Drebben reads noir detective fiction.

Captain Barbosa reads cook books. “Arrgh, julienne 3 baby carrots, and add them to the onions what you been sautéing until they be translucent like the perilous shoals off Tortuga.”

Sophia from The Golden Girls reads 50 Shades of Gray. Turning the book sideways, and raising an eyebrow. “Oy, tie me up like that, and I’m gonna be thinking more about my stiff back than romance.”

Sheldon Cooper reads Frankenstein. “Oh please, the 300 million volts in the average lightning bolt is much more likely to carbonize a stitched-together corpse than bring it to life.”

Image: https://x-memes.com/media/its-funny-because-its-true

Darth Vader reading pretty much anything.

Porky Pig reading James Joyce’s Ulysses. You didn’t thing that book could seem longer than it already is, did you?

Roger Thornhill (Cary Grant) from North by Northwest reading a bodice-ripper romance novel. “Brock gripped her by her bare shoulders, and… [sound of pages turning] …Oh my! The more modest of you ladies may want to make sure your airpods are in for this next little bit. And have an icy beverage on hand.”

And, last but not least, Foghorn Leghorn reads The Firm, or The Pelican Brief.

This might actually precipitate an entirely new sub-genre of audiobooks. That would open up the narrator space to impressionists, people who can convincingly imitate a variety of fictional characters. I really don’t know what percentage of voice actors could manage such a feat. It would involve additional effort than normal audiobook narration. Not only would the reader need to enunciate the text clearly enough to relate the story, but they’d have to maintain the voice of the fictional character throughout, and periodically react with extraneous commentary that character would provide at twists and turns. Yosemite Sam: “Great horny toads! I sure didn’t see that a comin’ down the pike.” Of course, if you could pull it off, I bet the audiobook listening public would eat it up with a spoon.

END.

Original Thread:

Facebook, Writer’s Dojo Group, November 9, 2025, https://www.facebook.com/groups/writerdojo/permalink/1347849860374386/

Shameless Self-Promotion Section:

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